Writing a Sympathy Card Isn’t Easy.
You’re trying to show you care, but you don’t want to say the wrong thing. Grief is one of the most difficult emotions we confront in our lifetimes, and even though we all experience grief at one point or another, it remains among the most impossible feelings to discuss.
When we’re grieving, we’re a little more delicate than usual. Every moment feels like it lasts an eternity. Things that don’t normally bother us get under our skin, our appetites go off-line, and sometimes the best we can do is just make it to tomorrow, one step at a time.
You want to support your loved one as they go through this phase of life, but if you say the wrong thing, you might inadvertently make it worse. Many people are scared of saying the wrong thing because they know firsthand how it feels to get that one comment that was well intentioned… but horribly worded.
At Seeds of Life, we specialize in soothing and celebrating life’s transitions with nature’s love and care. Knowing what to say and how to say it is our forte.
Let’s eliminate the guesswork, so you can put your love, sincere sympathy, and best words forward.
1. Take Your Time
This is a sympathy note, not a dissertation. While you don’t need an annotated bibliography, taking the time to truly consider what you’re saying is more than worth it.
Before you pen your card, pencil a draft of your note on a scratch piece of paper. Drafting your sentiment gives you the opportunity to dig a little deeper, avoid the usual platitudes that so often ring hollow (there’s only so many times you want to hear “I’m sorry” when you’re the grieving party), and make your note personal.
Give yourself the opportunity to write a good paragraph without judging yourself for what you wrote. Dare to write the “wrong” words. When you’re done, read it out loud. Strike through anything that doesn’t sound like something you’d want to hear yourself. Reword sentiments you like but need to be tweaked, and then pen your letter.
That said, I’ll repeat: this is a sympathy note, not a dissertation. You’re not being graded on your rhetoric, prose, or grammar and punctuation. Allow yourself to say what you mean without overanalyzing. Oftentimes, people overthink what to say and then resort to the kinds of sayings you find on cards at the store. There’s nothing wrong with an “I’m sorry for your loss,” but if that’s all you say for fear of being too personal, your message loses its sincerity.
Do write a draft first.
Don’t overthink it.
2. Death Isn’t a Bad Word
This is a BIG one.
It’s understandable for you to be worried about making the situation harder on your loved one. Because we live in a culture that doesn’t like to engage with death, we have countless euphemisms for periods of mourning.
Unfortunately for your loved one, hearing people dance around the topic becomes incredibly isolating, and it ultimately contributes to a feeling of loneliness.
Open your letter with a statement that clearly tells your loved one why you’re writing and why you care. Yes, that means acknowledging death’s role in this transition, head on. But, it’s important to do so with grace.
Instead of resorting to “I heard what happened,” or something similar, here are some alternatives that acknowledge the reality of what your loved one is facing – without rubbing salt in the wound:
- “I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your (the deceased’s relationship to your loved one, such as ‘grandmother,’ ‘husband,’ or ‘best friend’).”
- “I’m truly saddened to hear that (the deceased’s name or relationship to your loved one) passed. You both are in my prayers and heart.”
- “I mourn and grieve with you at the news of (the deceased)’s passing, and I know you will miss them dearly.”
Resist the urge to inject positivity into these sentiments. Platitudes like “they’re in a better place now” or “at least they’re not suffering anymore” tend to be well intentioned, but they end up landing with all the grace of a lead weight.
Your goal is to validate your loved one’s grief and share the load with them, not make them feel like they need to bottle it up. Let your letter begin with a statement that shows you’re willing to help your loved one carry their grief.
Do acknowledge the death and loss your loved one is suffering.
Don’t skirt around it or force positivity.
3. Dare to Get Personal
Every situation is a little different, so consider your relationship to your loved one or to the deceased. If you can, share a memory involving your loved one’s relationship to the deceased, or even your own (if you had one – don’t make one up). Get as specific as you like!
This could sound like:
- “I will always remember (the deceased) for their sense of humor. What a gem. I’ll never forget all of the times they lit up a room.”
- “I know how close you were with (the deceased). You always talked so much about their love of art and how they inspired you. I know you’ll forever carry them with you.”
- “(The deceased) loved you so much. They were perpetually excited to tell me about your adventures and achievements, and I could feel how proud of you they were.”
Remember, grief hurts because we’ve lost someone we loved. That’s a deeply personal experience. In order to truly speak to and offer comfort in someone’s grief, you have to be willing to step into that deeply personal experience with them – not just observe it from the outside.
True sympathy is about a shared understanding and collective feeling. This might bring up some feelings and memories of your own experiences with grief. That’s okay. It means you’re human, and you care.
You could also express your own grief at the loss of the deceased, if it’s applicable. Gratitude is one of the best communicators for this sentiment because it still keeps focus on the deceased:
- “I feel honored/lucky/privileged to have known (the deceased).”
- “I’m grateful that I had the chance to know (the deceased).”
- “I’ll cherish the precious memories I have with (the deceased).”
A common pitfall that many people accidentally encounter is making the shared memory or shared grief all about themselves. As you write and share your memory, make sure you center the deceased person or your loved one.
Do make it personal by sharing a memory or your own feelings.
Don’t make it all about you.
Trust Your Heart
There’s not a person on this Earth that hasn’t experienced a loss of some kind. If you say what you mean – what you truly mean – you’ll say the “right” thing. You’re writing out of love and care for your loved one, and they’ll appreciate that you took the time to be with them at this time in their life.
